


What Am I To You?

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Romance, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-20
Updated: 2005-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-27 05:06:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12074097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Season 5 (gap filler). I thought this song conveyed the emotions that both Brian and Justin have kept bottled up? until this moment.





	What Am I To You?

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I comfortably seat myself into the Limo, and pour myself a glass of champagne. I take a sip and relax back against the soft leather seating. I mentally go though everything I planned to do in Australia during Mardi Gras. 

 

Perfection is the key to success, this is my motto and I’ve always stood by it, this is why I have succeeded in life. I stayed up late last night going through the stuff I printed out about the event and the clubs there. 

 

I know that there is going to be competition but I am Brian Kinney and I am the best ad man. Which in advertising is a competitive field, there are countless amount of companies trying to make it big, which is why one’s personal charisma and powerful status are what separates one from the others. I have no doubt that I possess both. And I know I won’t have any problems scoring when I get there. 

 

I close my eyes and lay my head back against the seat. In a minute, my thoughts take me to Justin. I think about how things have changed between us. 

 

I remember the very first day I saw him under the street lamp, I couldn’t pry him out of my mind, those probing blue eyes, it seemed he was looking into me, and knew things about me, that even I didn’t know. 

 

At first it scared me, I never let anyone in, neither did I tell anyone how I felt; but some how Debbie knew. She was the only one who figured it out from the very beginning. 

 

It definitely took me awhile to realize what I was hiding from, and it wasn’t even that I was hiding. I think I was just protecting myself from getting hurt. I was living in denial. 

 

I try to figure out how we got to where we are today. These memories seem so distance, a thing of the past, and I suppose they are, because things are not the way they used to be.

 

I wish there were a way I could pull them closer, make them tangible again. I know for a fact that there are a lot of things that I would do differently if I were to relive those days. 

 

From a distance I hear a radio playing, the announcer seems to be franticly talking about something that I can’t quite hear. I try to ignore the sound and continue with my thoughts, but the voice gets louder, and clearer. Then I realize it’s not part of my imagination. 

 

The driver must have turned the volume up because now the announcer’s voice is bouncing all though the Limo. He is speaking about some sort of accident. He’s talking so fast that I haven’t even heard what caused it. 

 

It doesn’t really catch my interest; I garb my glass and pour myself some more champagne. I am in the middle of relaxing when my attention was held by the mention of Babylon. 

 

I jumped. 

 

I was lost enough in my own thought that I had dismissed everything that was being said. The announcer continues to speak of the bomb blast, proclaiming that many are injured and are being taken to nearby hospitals. 

 

At this point, my mind was moving a million miles a minute and I could not make sense of anything. 

 

My body was anxious to get there. I could not sit still. I asked the driver to turn around, and make way to Babylon. Every second in that car seemed like hours, I was sweating profusely from all the stress and angst. 

 

I asked the driver to change the station, because all this talk of the bombing was making me more impatient and uncomfortable. He changed it to a soft rock station. A guy was on-air, he was dedicating a song to his friend that he has had a crush on, and asked to have it played so that she could know that his feelings for her went beyond friendship. 

 

The host’s makes the dedication, “Here’s your request Jason, _Who am I to you?_ by Norah Jones, I hope Kirsten gets this, and feels the same way about you.” 

 

I haven’t heard this song before, nor have I heard of the artist but he says her name is Norah Jones. 

 

The song starts playing and I listen carefully trying to distract myself from the current situation. I momentarily indulge myself in the sweet melody. 

 

_What am I to you?_

_Tell me darlin’ true_

_To me you are the sea_

_Vast as you can be_

_And deep the shade of blue_

_When you’re feeling low_

_To whom else do you go?_

_I’d cry if you hurt_

_I’d give you my last shirt_

_Because I love you so_

 

Hearing each word makes my heart beat faster. I’m aching for him, and I want to get to him as quickly as possible. I want to hold him, and know he’s all right. 

 

I wonder if he truly knows what he means to me, what he’s done for me, and how he’s changed me. A tear rolls down my face, as I’ve never felt this kind of pain before. 

 

I’m as weak and helpless as I have ever been. I realize just how long I have made him wait. How many years I have broken his heart, and not being able to give him the simple things he has wanted. 

 

My heart is pounding so fast; I feel it’s going to pop out anytime. This is a new feeling to me, it’s a yearning. It’s me longing for Justin, longing to tell him what he’s wanted to hear for years. If only this fucking driver would move faster, I can get to him. 

 

For the first time in my life I feel myself turning to God. I’ve never done this before, and I feel guilty for trailing to him, and I know I’m being selfish, but I need to do this right now. I silently speak to him. 

 

“God if you hear me, please put aside all the differences we have, because this is about Justin and not about me.” I reach up wiping a tear before continuing. 

 

“Please let him be okay. I know I have never really been your ideal follower, but I have never really asked you for anything; not a thing and I will never ask for any other favours after this. But please God, just do me this on act of kindness, just keep my Justin safe.” I wipe a tear again. 

 

“Keep my Sunshine safe.” I say quietly. 

 

Tears are flowing uncontrollably from my eyes, I wipe them away, but they keep falling. 

 

My face is heating up, I am at the point of loosing consciousness, but I try to stay focused. I continue… 

 

“I love him, and I want to get the chance to tell him how I feel. You see I’ve been a prick my entire life. I’ve never really had the chance to meet such a wonderful person. He just took me by surprise. He came out of nowhere and changed me for the better. I never expected to care for him as much as I do. I mean a part of me always knew that he was special, that it was always a bit more with him. But I never really expressed what I felt. He’s done so much for me and for others.” I sniff back unusheded tears. 

 

“He’s such a humble person, and if I’ve changed even the slightest bit, it’s because of him. So you see, you should give him credit cause he always finds the good in people. He deserves to be alive. Even though I don’t deserve him, he needs to be with me. I need him. No one has ever cared for me the way he does not even my parents. I have to show him how much I love him. So please…. Please don’t take him away from me. It’s been tried once, but he came back. I missed my chance then. I fucked it up. This is my second chance, and I’ve learned from my mistakes. I promise not to mess it up this time around.” 

 

The Limo pulls into the parking lot and I quickly jump out, running as fast as my legs can take me. Sweat runs into my eyes, and it stings, my hair is plastered again my forehead. 

 

I bring my hand to my face and push it away, my hand’s wet with the sweat and tears. I see Jennifer and her Boyfriend standing by the ambulance. I make my way towards them and that’s when she tells me Justin is still inside. 

 

Before she can even finish what she was saying, I make my way through the rubble, frantically trying to look for him. The entire place had fallen apart. My skin crawled at the site of all the damage. 

 

I continue to walk, kicking through bits and pieces of sediments, I feel so empty, so lonely; I can’t see him anywhere. 

 

“Shit! JUSTIN!” I yell out loud. 

 

Then I see a figure walking towards me. I look up and try to look closely; all the rubble is making it difficult to see anything but I knew it was him. I would know him anywhere. 

 

Then I see his face, his beautiful face covered in dirt, and blood. I draw him towards me and hug him as tight as I possibly can. I’m tugging at his shirt, and I probably ripped it. 

 

I know I’m hurting him, but I don’t care, he’s here, he’s ok and he’ in my arms. It’s all that matters, and I’m not letting him go. I’m never letting him go. 

 

He asks about his mom and I tell him she’s outside, and looking for him. He nods as I hold him close. 

 

We stay that way for quite a long time, then he tells me about Mikey, and I feel guilty for not asking about the others. He tells me he was injured badly. Whatever I was going to tell Justin was put on hold because I had to go see how Mickey was doing. I walk out to see them putting him into an ambulance. 

 

When I get back form the hospital, and I return to Justin. He’s standing by the ambulance. He sees me coming and makes his way towards me. Our bodies instantly find each other. 

 

_Now if my sky should fall_

_Would you even call?_

_I’ve opened up my heart_

_I never want to part_

_I’m givin’ you the ball_

 

And there in that instance I tell him what he’s been waiting to hear, what I needed to say, what I’ve wanted to say. I bring my lips to his ears and whisper… 

 

“I love you” 

 

_When I look in your eyes_

_I can feel the butterflies_

_I’ll love you when you’re blue_

_But tell me darlin’ true_

_What am I to you?_

 

He has my heart and he knew he did from the very beginning. When it is out of my mouth, I get a tingly feeling in the pit of my stomach. If this is what love feels like, then what the hell was I waiting for all these years. Why was it so difficult for me? 

 

_When I look into your eyes_

_I can feel the butterflies_

_Could you find a love in me?_

_Would you carve me in a tree?_

_Don’t fill my heart with lies_

_I will love you when you’re blue_

_But tell me darlin’ true_

_What am I to you?_

 

I look into his eyes, he’s crying, and I think I’m crying as well. His beautiful face is all red, his eyes are swollen, he looks so adorable, and I want to hold him like this forever. 

 

Just in case he didn’t hear it the first time, I say it again. This time a bit louder. I want him to remember this moment for the rest of his life. I am capable of loving him. 

 

“I love you” 

 

I bring my lips to his, and they are soft and moist that it touches every nerve in my body. 

 

It’s intense and passionate, filled with love. I feel complete, I feel loved and I’ve never been happier in my entire life. 

 

I now know what Justin is to me and he knows what I am to him.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks Juliet for makin all the corrections. your the best. I hope you guys like this; i love this song and i just had to add it, plus i thought it worked perfectly at that place and time, hope you guys feel the same way.


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